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Saturday, January 3, 2015

More About Me

More About Me 

I have always held privacy clutched close to my heart and very much respected that of others.  Without privacy how can anything be sacred? Opening my Heart now and exposing  myself online is tantamount to a gay person coming out of the closet. 

I was very aware of what the consequences might be yet my Heart was relentless.  There was no hesitation or second thoughts.  The Child held my hand gently yet firmly. (Yes, it WAS so...gently, yet firmly! This  beautiful loving Heart of mine, is not only sweet and gentle, tender and delicate and kind but It swept me off my feet.  It came to me as fearless, valiant and brave, chivalrous and strong, as intrepid, gallant and lionhearted! I had to do it. 

The day I started this blog I was the adult Child innocently walking bare naked into a crowd of strangers. 

In the shadow's realm it is exposing myself to family and friends who do not know me, those who  see only my shadow!  I live between two worlds.  I am somewhat like the President or Prime Minister of a country who uses look-alike's when s/he does not feel safe to make a personal appearance.  Friends and family and strangers who do not see The Child in me are embarrassed, perplexed and perhaps somewhat intimidated - some are angry and throw rocks, some think I'm nuts and walk away depending on where they are located in the Great Glass Pyramid. (previous post) I can  bet that some of them are praying that I might one day "see the light"! 

When I saw a link from William Samuel's website to mine I learned about humility.  (The Child is humbled, the shadow is humiliated). I was deeply humbled.  I felt so blessed, so honoured and not in the least  "puffed up". I also understood - I 'got it' that this is the innocent, immaculate and pure, unconditioned, unencumbered Child's joyful response.  There is no agenda, just a sense of purity and honest pride, a sense of freedom from the troubles of the world.

Now and then there is a difficult test as one cannot simply utter words; one must meet each challenge and learn from it.  Not that I don't know about this road block.  I have fallen into the trap at this juncture before. I am conscious of my attachment to the stigma of poverty.  When one of my wealthy friends rings the knock-knock bell, I still cringe and hope they are not reading the message right below the call button.  I's a dead give-away, giving info of where to apply for subsidized housing.

An annual review of one's financial situation is fair enough but the standard gets more rigid every year and carried on with less and less dignity,  void of good manners and good common sense. You are treated like pigs at the trough. Unlike the legal system where one is innocent until proven guilty, you apparently are less than trustworthy since they already have the information that you have to triple prove. Because I have a little insurance policy and nothing else with one of the banks, I had to appear there in the flesh (walker and all) to get a summary of activity.  Bank statements were provided as required but I have to prove that I do not have an account at the unmentioned institutions.  The bank clerk was puzzled. She couldn't find the policy so I now have an appointment with the insurance department -
more wasted time and another taxi ride to confirm the info that is already before their eyes on the bank statement .  The premiums are deducted monthly from my bank account.   (Exhibit #75!)

I came home feeling angry, disgusted, disgruntled, degraded, humiliated. I had been struggling and ranting and boiling,  having thoughts of 'going public' with this, getting those in similar position to react and rebel and all sorts of revenge and get even and sock it to them ideas!  I finally  quieted down I gave my head a shake and realized that humiliation is the shadow's game. 

All things being said and done it was all nothing but a tempest in a teapot. I am my own Judas.  I betray my Self. It only takes that recognition and the Child comes running back.  Unfortunately, I am very much aware of my obsession with this stigma. I am shackled to/by my pride so I pray for a miracle, that I can let it go and be true to my Self.

So, I am now out of the closet and let the chips fall where they may.  Love will prevail.  Of that I am certain.

I bare my heart and soul to you not to show you how to do it.  I am pointing to the moon; you have to find it for yourself.  And I want the world to know that the Child Heart is reachable, available, waiting for recognition no matter what your circumstances may be.

"I stand at the door and knock." (the Bible)

I love you. 

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